


on schedule

by serendipitiness



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (About Children), AKA Magnus and Alec get on the same page, AKA conversations that probably should have happened before marriage, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Married Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, POV Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 20:27:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20954417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipitiness/pseuds/serendipitiness
Summary: Magnus huffs a little and gives Alec a look, feeling fond and annoyed in the same breath. “Shh. It -- I’ve been thinking… there’s something we really should have had a real discussion on, but with the pending apocalypse and all that, I suppose we put it to the side.”The easy expression on Alec’s face disappears, and his eyes are focused as he sits up properly and sets his phone on the mattress. “You mean before we gotmarried?” He twists in Magnus’ direction. “Magnus, what’s wrong?”“Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong now exactly, but it --” Magnus sighs, and lifts his hand up to twist at his earcuff, only to recall too late that it’s off. “It’s about children.”(in which magnus and alec actually, finally discuss having children, and when that should happen)





	on schedule

They’ve been home for an hour, close to sleep, before the pricklings of a realization begin to materialize in the back of Magnus’ mind.

It's something he’s been considering for awhile, but the need to put words to thoughts hadn't ever felt necessary quite yet. Now, though, Alec lays in bed next to him, a warm presence pressed to his side, scrolling through pictures on his phone and smiling. It’d been a lovely day taking Madzie out to the park, replete with mundane grocery shopping and a red-and-white checked blanket laid out on the grass. Magnus had grinned as he watched Alec handing Madzie bread to feed the ducks with, and when Alec had gotten chocolate ice cream on his chin, and when the two of them had fallen asleep under the shade of a white pine tree, Madzie’s head resting on Alec’s arm, the two of them quietly snoring in tandem.

Watching Alec, Magnus squeezes the silk sheets tight in his fist. Instinct tells him to let it be, but their partnership has only ever thrived when they’ve been honest.

“Alexander,” he starts, voice slow and careful.

“Hey,” Alec answers, and glances to catch Magnus’ eye. “What’s up?”

“It’s -- ah,” Magnus starts, then licks his lips hesitantly, not quite knowing how to proceed though he does his best to light up his face with a wry grin. “I’ve been thinking.”

Alec chuckles. “I hope so.”

Magnus huffs a little and gives Alec a look, feeling fond and annoyed in the same breath. “Shh. It -- I’ve been thinking… there’s something we really should have had a real discussion on, but with the pending apocalypse and all that, I suppose we put it to the side.”

The easy expression on Alec’s face disappears, and his eyes are focused as he sits up properly and sets his phone on the mattress. “You mean before we got _ married_?” He twists in Magnus’ direction. “Magnus, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong _ now _ exactly, but it --” Magnus sighs, and lifts his hand up to twist at his earcuff, only to recall too late that it’s off. “It’s about children.”

“Oh. Okay,” Alec answers. His face, all its tenseness and concern, gentles. He slouches back against the pillows, the soft gray cotton of his t-shirt wrinkling with the movement. “What about them?”

“You’re so good with them,” Magnus says. He’s stalling. It’s absolutely not the point of the conversation, but he can feel himself wavering, wanting to avoid the potential conflict that looms ahead. In a lifetime that’s been filled with deja vu since he turned fifty, he’s only just having this kind of conversation for the first time, and it makes anxiety pool in his stomach.

“I’d hope so,” Alec says with a laughing exhale, not realizing quite yet the depth of Magnus’ stress. He reaches out to thread his fingers through Magnus’. “Hard not to be with all the idiots I had to take care of growing up. But I guess they’re why I like kids so much, you know? They were the biggest pain and the biggest reward. I mean, even -- even back when I thought I’d have to marry a girl, or Lydia, or whoever, I kept thinking that if it meant I got to have kids then maybe it would be okay.”

“Darling,” Magnus responds faintly. Alec’s never been shy when it comes to his thoughts on children, but this revelation hurts to consider, this sweet, lovely man who once thought he deserved that kind of half life.

Alec looks carefree and content as he shrugs. "I know, it was sad of me. But now,” and with this, he pulls Magnus’ hand to his lips, “That’s irrelevant. I have you.”

Magnus swallows. _ Christ_. “It’s not sad, Alexander,” he manages quietly. He pauses then, biting the inside of his cheek. How can he continue after Alec said _ that_?

“There was something you actually wanted to say, though,” Alec says as a prompt, forcing the topic even when Magnus feels himself shrinking back. “Something else.”

Magnus sighs, simultaneously grateful and disappointed at how perceptive and attentive Alec is.

“Yes, uh.” He breathes. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears as he closes his eyes and goes ahead and asks, “How soon do you want children, Alexander?”

Alec stiffens. He’s always been quick, and now is no different. It’s clear his mind is whirring and that he’s reading the tension in Magnus’ shoulders, the trepidation in his words.

“I was thinking soon,” Alec answers lowly. “I think -- are we not on the same page?”

Magnus looks up at Alec’s handsome face, the little line between his brows growing more prominent. Even in these mismatched moments, it’s a wonder for Magnus to witness how much Alec cares, how much he’s embedded himself willingly into Magnus’ complicated life, and Magnus hates to hurt Alec, hates to disappoint him when all he wants is for things to be perfect. But the centuries have painted a clear tale for Magnus: nothing is ever perfect, and relationships are messy, and this is why he has to say -- “No, Alec, I don’t think we’re on the same page.”

“Oh,” Alec says. The word is spoken shortly, carefully. It’s clear to Magnus that Alec is trying to hide it with the way his expression shadows, but between the way Magnus knows how to read this man and Alec’s general shittiness at lying, it’s clear that that hurt something inside his husband.

“Stop,” Magnus says, and tugs Alec toward him, wrapping a hand around the heat of Alec’s neck, letting the other rest on his cheek. “It isn’t that I don’t want to have children, and it’s certainly not that I don’t want children with you,” he explains quickly, because this much is true.

Alec blinks, lashes casting long shadows on his face. “Okay,” he answers, voice moderated, thick, tamped down. “Right, ah. Can you tell me more? Because I think I assumed some things which, in hindsight, seem pretty stupid. ”

Magnus feels guilty, though he knows he probably shouldn’t. He just doesn’t know how to say this right, to take Alec’s step-by-step plan for the future and rearrange the pieces. He doesn’t know how to clarify the storm in his head that’s been brewing since that night Alec smiled at him softly over Madzie and her ice cream cone and said, “When it comes to having a family, you won’t be doing it alone.”

“Alec, you weren’t stupid,” Magnus says with some degree of desperation. “I’ve taken in downworlders as my own many times, love them like my own, but I wasn’t lying to you when I told you I’d never thought of having kids in the traditional sense. But that doesn’t just mean that I never thought of being a father. It also means I never thought I’d have the kind of family that allowed children. It means I never thought I’d get _ married_. And here I am, with you, and --”

“And?” Alec says quietly.

“I -- I’ve never followed the natural progression of things,” Magnus says, dropping his hands and staring down at his palms nestled in their blankets. “The way you were taught that shadowhunter boys were meant to become heads of institutes, marry women, have children, raise soldiers… for better or worse, I never had that. And now, today, this life I have with you…” He trails off again.

It’s hard, explaining this to someone who’s always had a lifespan, who’s known how his time on this planet would play out. Magnus has never had to follow the cadence of a mortal life, has never recognized the urgency of it as clearly as he does now.

“I spent centuries telling myself that all those things weren’t meant to be a part of my existence,” he finally says. “I told myself not to expect them. And yet suddenly, they are.”

“Okay,” Alec answers. From the corner of his eye, Magnus can see Alec’s jaw working, like he’s biting down the million things he might say.

“Things are happening so fast, Alexander. Faster than I’ve ever experienced before.”

“Oh.” Alec’s lips part, and his eyes clear just a fraction. He takes Magnus’ hand, thumb brushing against Magnus’ knuckles, lingering on the glistening silver of his wedding ring. “That -- I think I understand,” he says. “A little.”

“Yeah?” Magnus asks. With Alec reaching for him, he feels lighter already.

Alec shifts to better face Magnus. “Yes and no. Like you said, I’ve never had anything but a clear life trajectory. You -- well, you kinda sent things sideways,” and Magnus smiles with true warmth at that, “but I still knew how I expected the big picture things would go. I can’t really know what it’s like to not have that, but I get how that makes all this… well, a lot. I don’t think I ever really realized how big of a change this was for you.”

Magnus shudders, feeling upended and glad for Alexander’s empathy.

“I’ve spent waiting for a life like this,” he finally says. “I’ve never been married, never been a husband, so I want to savor every bit of it -- this moment that I have with you. I want to take my time. Maybe it’s unfair of me, but I don’t -- I’m just not ready for children quite yet. Some day in the future, yes, but not now, not _ soon_.”

"When do you think..." Alec's voice fades.

"I don't know. Definitely a few years, at least? Time for us to be -- us."

Alec exhales, and his eyes mostly clear from all the previous confusion and hurt. He simply nods. “That makes sense. I think -- I can get on board with that.”

Magnus frowns. “You can?”

“I won’t lie, I always thought it’d be nice to have a kid or two pretty early on.” He makes a face. “I had this vision in my head, and whenever I see Madzie, I think about it. You’re amazing with her, and every child I’ve ever seen you around. But this is important to you, and it’s -- well, it’s reasonable. You’re not asking for something crazy or something that I can’t agree with.”

“Oh, I… thank you.”

Alec huffs under his breath. “We’ve got plenty to do now anyway, I guess, between our jobs.”

Magnus chuckles at that, that clamp around his throat cut loose. “You mean you don’t want to walk into trials with a drooling baby in your arms?”

Alec purses his lips, then wiggles to get closer to Magnus. His hazel eyes are warm, stubble rough on his chin. He’s beautiful, Magnus thinks.

“If it’s _ our _ drooling baby, then I’d go anywhere with them,” Alec says firmly.

That feeling rises again in Magnus’ chest, that half-way emotion between overwhelming happiness and wanting to cry. It’s something Alec elicits in him more often than not.

“Thank you for understanding, Alexander,” he manages.

Alec smiles, though he looks a little tired as he shakes his head.

“I’ll always try to understand, Magnus. Though -- we should’ve talked about this before we got married.”

Magnus raises an eyebrow. “Sweetheart, we should’ve talked about _ a lot _ of things before we got married.”

They stare at each other for five long seconds, before bursting into laughter. Alexander’s shoulders shake, his eyes squeezed shut so that deep wrinkles form at the corners. He snorts inelegantly, and it makes Magnus laugh harder. No, none of this is actually funny; even as his stomach begins aching with all that amusement, Magnus knows there are many tough conversations to be had in their future.

But for the first time in a long time, Magnus finds himself looking forward to those conversations, to that future. To the things he thinks will happen in the upcoming decades, the new, unfamiliar milestones he gets to experience and share with Alexander that he never considered were meant for him.

“Not tonight,” Alec says eventually when the two of them quiet down enough to speak. “I don’t think I can handle another serious talk right now. But we’ll talk -- soon?”

Magnus nods, and leans forward to kiss Alec, soft and lingering. “Yes,” he says. “Soon.”


End file.
